I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
