He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
