I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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