I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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