i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sext me about skeletons
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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