gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
