In America we eat man semen.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
