So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
