His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
