can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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