Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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