he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
