dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
