i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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