I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
