don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
