I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
