I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
