His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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