When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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