I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
