I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
