I'm gonna have a badass scar
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My liver just had a heart attack.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
