I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
