I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
