you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
