Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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