3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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