Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
