My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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