I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Found your dick twin last night
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
