break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
