I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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