When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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