I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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