Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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