I'm going to jail i love you
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
