I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
