If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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