I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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