I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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