Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
