I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
