Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
