Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
