wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
