Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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