why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
