I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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