Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
