I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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