His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
