I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
