just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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