I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
