Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
