I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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