I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
