He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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